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I hate having to tiptoe
"Let me kiss you without the broken glass"
Maybe I was right, maybe none of this can never be for me.
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| Metal. It is heavy in my mouth. It seeps into my teeth
they are too fragile for you.
My lips are pressed tightly so It all stays in.
Please stay in
but when I think of you
the metal through your bones-substituting bones
I wonder
what is substituting mine
I wonder
If the doctors slice up my brain – razor blades - and they pry it open to peer in
Would they see you?
Would you be staring at them
They would be scared and would tie me back up
The metal strings you pluck to. bring to yourself to life
please stay alive
and how does it taste?
They all taste the same, but the white ones are
my favorite
And your favorite
They blend together in silver that fills my mouth
I can’t hold it in
My lips part and I spit metallic liquid into the dirt.
I wipe my mouth
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May
Sunday 17th
"I am sitting in this empty room that is not mine. I am waiting. I hate waiting.
I thought I would feel more emotional than I do. I am looking in my empty room. It looks the same as it did when I first moved in it 10 months before.
I am sitting on my wide blue window ledge knowing that it will be the last time I will ever sit here and look out.
It was the first windowsill I sat on and watched snow fall.
I didn’t cry when I took down all my pictures and posters from my walls. like I thought I would.
Tomorrow I am leaving. I wonder what I've done this year.
I am not feeling very creative right now"
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| To you:
That last night was the first of what should have been happening. I was comfortably uncomfortable talking – telling you all the details that only the two of us care about, but more importantly, understand. Now I don’t think there is a “better” or “worst” label for the situation- it is exactly what it is- I think we both know that is how it has always been with him.
And to you:
Yeah, you gave it all to me.
But I am not that same person anymore- and whether or not people can adjust their minds to it -it happens, and it’s normal.
And yes- I want you to call me- and I want you to hear it in my voice. Because now I am not scared of you.
You are no better than I am.
You never were, and I can’t explain what it feels like to finally understand that.
Of course, to you to:
You never will understand any of this.
I wish that you wouldn’t get angry with me. No one will ever understand any of it.
And Ashli:
No matter how much I say- or pretend – or want it to: I think we were both right that night when we told you that it would never end.
I know this was always hers, but she was right, i think, when she said how similar they are.
"satan, settle down - keep your trousers on - you can warm the globe - but leave my wretched soul alone - i don't know you - and i don't owe you a thing"
I do not owe you anything anymore. I don't have anything left to give. You've done your saving, and you've done your damage. And I want an end.
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"Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground,
but that damage was done.
It's cold as you fade into the sun.
Where'd you go? To me?
But you're alive!
Well, it's only
fallen frames, they told me.
You stand out, it's so loud...
and so what if it is.
It's cold when you fade into the wind.
Where'd it go to?
So what if you catch me,
where would we land?
In somebody's life
forsaking his hands.
Sing to me hope as she's
thrown on the sand.
All of your works
are rated again.
Where to go?
But it's all wrong, you're so strong.
But this life's work
and choice took far too long.
Where'd it go to?
When I was sure you'd follow through,
My world was turned to blue.
When you'd hide
your songs would die,
so I'd hide yours with mine.
And all my words were bound to fall.
I know you won't fail...
see, I can tell..."
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